It was a bad day, sprinkled with some goodness. I took Wilder for his haircut and we had lunch at Starbucks and that was my highlight. He told me afterward, unprovoked, "I had fun, Mama." And that was wonderful.
But honestly, today just sucked. I miss my mom. When your mom is gone, you no longer feel like a child, really, I can't explain it, but it's a feeling that just plain sucks. I walk around the house still, nearly eight years later, wondering who it is I want to call so badly and just open up my heart to ... is it this friend? No. That friend? No. And then it hits me. I want to talk to my mama. Some days I want to talk to her so badly it hurts my heart. There is no one for the little piece of me that still very rarely feels like a little girl to call. No one to make it feel OK again.
Hunter turned 6 months old today and Wilder ... well, I looked at Wilder today and realized there's very little baby left in that boy. I would give my arm for my mom to come back for a day to meet her grandsons and get to know them. I wouldn't even have to see or talk to her, if she could just meet these boys and see how freakin' fantastic and awesome they are. If she could just see that I'm doing my damndest to raise them up to be fine young men. That would be important to her, and I know that.
Anyway, happy birthday, Mama. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you I love you. I wish I could get your recipe for Frito Pie and that frozen drink you used to make and put in the freezer and pour vodka on top of. I think you called it Good Drink. I wish I could ask you how you handled a willful preschooler. I wish you could see my sons' laughing eyes and feel their hugs and have it melt your heart the way it does mine. It grieves me knowing how much you would love these boys, and knowing they'll never know that love.
I don't want to be maudlin, but I need to say this. If you are lucky enough to still have your mother in your life and assuming she's a mother worth having in your life, call her. Call her, tell her you love her, you miss her, send her flowers for no reason, ask her a question you won't be able to when she's gone. Tell her the way she raised you means the world to you now. Call the woman who gave you life and let her go to bed tonight thinking, "Now what brought that on ...?" with the biggest flippin' grin on her face.
Don't even think about it. Just do it.
Much love, k.
8 comments:
I have a close idea of what you're feeling. My mother died when I was 6 years old. It pains me to no end that I couldn't share with her the events of my life, let alone meeting her grandson. Thanks for sharing how you feel.
Dammit Kris, you've gone and put something in my eye. I've got to go now.
She does know Kris! It's just that we don't know by earthly feelings that she knows and can't see the sparkle in her eyes when she loves on them---but she knows! As long as your Mama is in your heart--then the boys' will know her goodness through you! I'm dreading my birthday this year as it will be the 1st anniversary of my dad being gone and you're right abuot wanting to ask them stuff. This summer I couldn't for the life of me think of the tomato that I loved for it's sweetness and have always been able to call my dad--but not this summer! It really sux and although you think both your parents know the same thing--they don't- -my mom couldn't supply the answer either! So I feel your pain--just not 8 yrs of it yet! Remember me the day after your celebration of your anniversary and Wilder's bday! I may be re-reading your entry! Love you girl and all your men! Deb
You are freaking fantastic and awesome too and your Mama knows it. Love you.
love you darlin.
J
Kris - you know I am not good at expressing my feelings but I had to respond.
I wish I could say it gets better and in some ways, maybe it does. Instead of having that gut wretching ache in your stomach, it becomes a dull pain and on some days, it feels like it just happened and you become very sad and maybe even angry. In time, you learn to deal with it all and just wade through whatever feeling comes along on any given day.
I lost my Mom when I was 24 and the only thing that gives me a little comfort is that at least she knew for a short time that I was blessed with 2 healthy babies. I tell my kids all the time about their grandmother.
You are doing a great job and Wilder and Hunter will know your Mom through you.
she will always be with you, and whenever you sit quietly and reflect, you ARE talking to her. She is, I AM SURE, very proud of the woman and mother you are. We love you too!
The Neals
Kris,
Not sure you will see this since you posted it months ago. Every Christmas when I hang my boys stockings your mother made for them, it makes me sad to know she is not here. She was a wonderful person. I loved the sound of her voice. She loved her children as much as you love yours. I always wanted to be a good mother like her.
Love,
Fran
Post a Comment