A heaping pile of ... yeah, you get the picture

It's good to know God's still got a sick sense of humor ... and also a good one, in my opinion.

So this morning, a little drama ...

Was sitting at home on the verge of tears, trying to motivate to do something fun with this day when I got a call from Wilder's school. He'd choked on his breakfast and, though breathing normally, was still complaining of something stuck in the his throat. I called Jerry while throwing mine and Hunter's coats on, and Jer told me to get him and get him to the emergency room, because if that "something" got into his airway, we'd have trouble.

I honestly was pretty calm, but as I drove a little maniacally to his school, I had a little conversation with the creator of the universe in which I actually threatened him/her. "So help me," I muttered under my breath, so Hunter couldn't hear, "if anything happens to my boy on the same day you took my mama away, I will ... well, shit, I dunno, but I will figure something out."

I got to school and quickly saw that Wilder was OK. At which point, not being as calm as I guess I thought I was, I burst into a mess of tears. Since I was about a hair's width from them all morning anyway, it didn't take me long to get all weepy and weird. I explained my overblown reaction to his teachers, who then proceeded to make me cry more with hugs and kind words.

Jeez, I'm a mess.

But back to that little threat toward the Great Beyond and the whole sick sense of humor bit? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that whoever's in charge out there had a great little chuckle over my empty threat. And he/she got me back later, as I stepped in a gigantic pile of dog crap in the back yard while playing soccer with the boys.

Message received. Got it.

Rogene Ann Scott (Kallemeyn): 9/21/43 to 12/15/2000

I remember thinking at some point, in the first months after she died, that someday she would be gone 10 years. I couldn't imagine that amount of time without her. Today is that day. I still have a hard time figuring out how I made it all this time without her guidance, but it's a testament to the kind of mother and friend she was that I've done OK.

Love you, Mama.

The fog lifts ...

OK, I admit it. I'm not a big fan of December or Christmas. I mean, I like so many things associated with the holidays, but there are so many more that I don't like, chief among them the proximity of the holiday to my mom's death. Try as I might, I can't get past it. Yes, I know she would want me to (she LOVED Christmas) and yes, I know I should for my kids' sakes. For the most part, I do. But there is a time each year when I am in an incredibly dark place, a place that I can't lift myself out of. I just have to endure it and wait for that day when I wake up and realize the fog has lifted. Every year I wonder if it will; because, honestly, some years, the fog just feels like a thousand pounds on my shoulders. I go through the motions, but it's like I'm swimming in molasses with all the color drained out of my life. This has been one of those years.

Yes, I probably need meds. Got it ...

So anyway, a few days ago, the fog lifted. I don't know if it's chemical, hormonal, or if it was just a function of a couple of very good friends who spent the day with me and helped make my world feel normal again ... the power of friendship cannot be underestimated. And, lucky for me, I have some amazingly good people in my life.

So, at any rate, I'm enjoying the holidays a little bit more now. And because of that, I wanted to share some photos here that have made me smile each time I look at them. And share one anecdote:

Today, when I picked Wilder up from school, he brought me a beautifully decorated card and brown paper bag. I opened it when we got home, and in it was an ornament for the tree that he had made. And yes, I guess I'm a big sap, but it brought tears to my eyes. It takes my little tree, that I keep jokingly and lovingly referring to as the Mexican hooker of the flora world, and makes it into something very, very personal and lovely. When it comes time to take the tree down, I will wrap this ornament in tissue paper and keep it safe for all Christmases to come. And I suspect that it will be one of those things that, in future years, makes me feel a little bit better about this time of year.

So here are the shots from the last week or so. Hope everyone is having more peace and joy than frantic and crazy this holiday season.

Hunter asleep with Jo-Jo, the reindeer his Arizona grandparents sent him.

He is in LOVE with this guy.

The other night, we made a secret reading/drawing/storytelling spot under Wilder's bed. He and Hunter insisted on sleeping in the same room this night. It didn't pan out, but they sure had fun for the couple hours it took us all to realize that no sleep would be happening as long as they were in the same room.

My friend Karen brought her girls (same ages as the boys) over the other day.

Can you tell they like each other?


The aforementioned ornament. On the left is Wilder in his Kwanzaa crown. And on the right he shows off his creation with a "Happy Hanukkah!" sticker on his forehead. I love that he's learning so much about different ways to celebrate this time of year.

LegoMaster

Wilder with his latest Lego creation. It's a "shooter house," and it can "kill a dinosaur."

Boys ... :-)

Wilder's turn ...

So a few weeks ago I wrote about Hunter's parent-teacher conference and how it made me so proud of him. Well, guess what? What a lucky mama I am ... because the same thing happened today with Wilder's conference.

I will start by saying that I am always a little more trepidacious when it comes to Wilder's conferences. I want to state adamantly (and especially for Future Wilder if/when he should ever read this) that this is not because he is any less wonderful or smart or good or anything than his brother. It is simply that Wilder and I have a more complicated relationship. We are different than each other (and yet in some very important ways the same), and sometimes I am at a loss as to how best to motivate him or encourage him.

That said, he is brilliant. Just brilliant. In so many ways. He's smart as a whip. His embrace for life is a constant source of amazement to me. I am constantly trying to figure out the multitude of ways in which his mind works. He builds things from nothing and proudly shows them to me, and his pride is never -- not even once -- misplaced. I already think he could grow up to be an amazing engineer, architect or sculptor. Or, really, anything he wants to be.

At any rate, maybe it's because I struggle to understand his particular brand of brilliance that I often wonder if his teachers will, too. But today I was so psyched to see that his teacher gets him. She told me things about the way my boy learns that I did not know, things that I will keep between our family because it's really not important or all that unique ... it just makes me understand him more and adds to my arsenal of mama-tools.

And she told me things I already knew: That he's an incredibly quick learner. That he's extra-empathetic for his age (this is something both my boys share and I cannot tell you how happy and proud it makes me to be raising two compassionate small people). That his exuberance for school is almost unrivaled by his peers.

And, Future Wilder, if you do ever read this, know this: You are one in a million, kiddo. We may butt heads more often than either of us would like, but I never, at the end of the day, fail to be impressed by the way you meet life head on, by your incredible and incredibly absorbent brain, and by your kindness. And, when it comes right down to it, you have made me a better mother and a better person. And I adore you, my little love.

I can't wait to see what future P/T conferences hold ...

A recipe you must try

Yesterday was Jer's birthday, so I was searching for a cake recipe and came across this one at allrecipes.com. It was highly rated. It called for boiling water, but I made it with hot coffee to enrich the flavor, and then made a simple chocolate glaze that I drizzled over the top.

For the record, if you make it, you MUST serve it with blackberry ice cream ... the flavors mesh so well together. It was fantastic!

Ingredients
2 cups hot coffee
1 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
2 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup butter, softened
2 1/4 cups white sugar
4 eggs
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract

Directions
1.Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease 3 - 9 inch round cake pans. In medium bowl, pour boiling water over cocoa, and whisk until smooth. Let mixture cool. Sift together flour, baking soda, baking powder and salt; set aside.

2.In a large bowl, cream butter and sugar together until light and fluffy. Beat in eggs one at time, then stir in vanilla. Add the flour mixture alternately with the cocoa mixture. Pour batter into a bundt cake pan.

3.Bake in preheated oven for 45-50 minutes. Allow to cool.