OK, I admit it: I'm overwhelmed

I'm sure a few of you are saying "duh" at that title line.

Where to start. I quit my job in late January because I was feeling overwhelmed by work and home. I wasn't feeling like a good mom, a good wife, a good employee/worker. Seemed like I was sucking wind at everything, and I was tired of it. I thought by becoming a stay-at-home mom, I'd be able to excel at at least one thing, that being the "mom" part. Boy was I wrong.

I suppose it's not all my fault. I do have a tendency to be extremely hard on myself. I've been missing my mom a lot lately because she used to always remind me of that, and she was always there to tell me to lighten up. If she could talk to me right now, I'm sure she'd be telling me I'm doing the best I know how and to stop freaking out about not being the "perfect" mama. I hear you, Ma. I really do.

I guess I just expected to rock this mom thing. But I've been incredibly humbled by it. I'm not patient. I can't let go of my control-freak tendencies. I yell too loud and react too quickly and generally feel like I'm scarring my boys for life some days. I do still have plenty of days when I feel like I'm a pretty damn good mom. Some days I just don't, though, and that hurts a lot. I want to raise them to be really exceptional, kind, well-adjusted young men. I don't see any reason to aim for less.

Anyway, long story short, I've set some more boundaries for myself and set out to do what I do well - research - to help the situation. Boundaries, for example: I'm getting the hell off Facebook until I feel I have the situation more under control. I've a FB addict, I admit. I mean, it could be worse, right? I could be popping valiums for comfort and instead I'm connecting with other human beings I actually like on a social networking site. But it's become an all-too-frequent outlet when I have five minutes. One that does nothing for me or the house or the boys. There are other rules I'm setting, but this is an example of one, and one I hope will give me back more time to blog, because I enjoy this and get a helluva lot more out of it than trying to be clever on Facebook in three sentences or less.

I've also ordered three books, which arrived today. One on parenting, which I've already started and can tell is going to be HUGELY helpful. The other two are on raising boys, specifically, and how to do this in such a way that you don't screw them up.

My whole life I've said I'm more like a guy than a girl. And that's still partially true. I have a lot of what people think of as typically male characteristics. For instance, I'm pretty good at shooting pool and taking the occasional shot of whiskey without throwing a facially contorted hissy fit and I can toss a football farther than a lot of guys I know and I enjoy throwing stuff away whenever I get the chance (my father tells me this makes me a pretty good wife). Ha. But it turns out that when it comes right down to it, I'm not a guy in the way that matters most right now: I want to understand how my boys' brains work and parent accordingly. Again, fine, kind and exceptional young and adult men ... that's the goal. So these other two books, I'm really hoping they'll help in that regard.

I'm trying to crack jokes and the truth is I'm sitting here with tears running down my face in rivers. I don't like to expose myself emotionally, but I have really felt like I'm failing my kids lately. And I can't have that. But I also have to learn to forgive myself for it. Parenting is not a skill you're born with, and I don't have a whole lot of role models near me. I'm not good at reaching out, and the one person with whom I would normally share all this and ask advice from ... well, she's just gone. And I didn't think I could miss her more, but I do. And that compounds it all.

Dammit.

Well, anyway, drying up my tears now and moving forward. Armed with knowledge and new resolve. And humility. If any of you mamas and papas have advice or encouragement or wanna give me a good kick in the ass, please do. I'm sure I could use any and all of it.

And Wilder and Hunter, I haven't done too bad by you two. But I know I can do better. And I will, baby boys. Nothing could inspire me more than your two beautiful faces and incredible spirits.