Leaves! Fall! Fun!

Me = destroyer of life

So, being a mother of boys, and specifically of two boys aged 4 and 1, I really never thought I'd hear the phrase: "You're ruining my LIFE!!" uttered. And, if I did ever hear it, I figured it would be many, many years.

Leave it to Wilder, our resident expert in drama. On the way home from school today, perhaps due to the very warm weather we're having, he asked if we had any popscicles. No, I replied. "Well," he demanded, "you need to go get some. You need to take this car to the food store RIGHT NOW AND GET SOME. Do you hear me, Mama? I WANT POPSCICLES." (Note: This very clear desire was uttered after about five minutes of him talking and me wondering what in the hell the string of words coming out of his mouth could possibly mean ...)

To which I replied: "Well, your Lordship, while it is clearly my job to grant each of your many daily wishes, we're NOT going to the store, but we ARE going home to have lunch."

Wilder: "So we're not going to the store?"

Me: "Umm. No. Correct."

Wilder: "Mama! You're ruining my life! I need popscicles and you won't get them and NOW YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE!!"

Which was followed by about two minutes of: "Mama! It's NOT funny! Stop LAUGHING!!"

The name game

Wilder, who has renamed himself Thunder Wilder Snowman, just asked if we can rename Hunter thusly: Baby Hunter the Cat Petter. Man, this kid cracks me up sometimes.

Halloween!

A quick post of photos from yesterday's pumpkin carving party and neighborhood Halloween party. I wish I'd got some of them trick-or-treating, but I was pretty worn out by the end of the day. It was a pretty successful holiday. Wilder approached the candy-harvesting with even more enthusiasm than last year, sprinting from each house to my side, holding out the sweet treats that had just been gifted him and hollering "Look, Mama, look! Look what they GAVE MEEEEEE!" after each house, right up to the last one. I think he just couldn't believe each and every total stranger was giving him something he clutched so dearly to his heart.

And it was so fun to see wee little Hunter toddling up to the doors, well behind Wilder and our friends' son, Micah. He was carrying his big old plastic pumpkin bucket with aplomb. He didn't make it quite as late as the bigger boys, but he held his own.

Anyway, the photos. Hope everyone had a very, very happy Halloween 2009.

Hunter inspect some Halloween-themed lawn art.

I think this might have been the only pic I got of him with his hat on.

Skelly Boy!

Wilder gets a turn on the rope swing. Weeeee!

More animatronic lawn art. Such a cool decorated house.

Vampire Jer and Skelly Boy.

The family headed down for the neighborhood party.

Earlier in the day, at the pumpkin carving/brunch party, Wilder and Lea go head to head.

Kris and her starry-eyed Jack.

Hunter takes a contemplative break.

Hunter pointing out something high in the sky to Papa.

Lea plays ball!

Wilder paints a wee pumpkin.

Wilder turns 4

Wow, I've been pretty remiss in posting lately. Sorry. October is always a crazy month for us, what with Wilder's birthday and Halloween and all the requisite parties, costuming and what not that goes along with it. That and the fact that at least three members of the family have pretty much had stuffy noses and coughing lungs for four or five weeks now. 'Tis the season!

Anyway, thought I'd jump on here today and at least post some photos. This first batch is from Wilder's birthday party last weekend. We had it at a park and it went pretty smoothly. I wish I'd taken more pictures, but I did get some video that I'm hoping to use to learn a video-editing suite before his 5th birthday. I set reasonable goals these days, you see.

Wilder had a GREAT time with his friends. One thing that amazed me and differed from all his previous birthdays was the rapidity with which he dispensed opening the gifts. Everyone pretty much brought gifts bags and he'd tear the tissue paper out, remove the gift, exclaim his happiness, set said-gift down and move on to the next. It was like watching gift-opening set to Benny Hill music. He also managed to spittle all over his cake while blowing out his candles, leaving many of the adults to lay stake to pieces of cake near the back. Silly grown-ups.

Anyway, it was a great birthday. Thanks to everyone who shared it with us. Now, some photos:

Wilder pairs the newly acquired Woody to his old Buzz. Very happy reunion.

Stomp Rocket. Coolest gift ever.

The cake, courtesy of Tom Thumb.

Proud parents of a 4-year-old.

Jerry grilling. The Dallas Parks and Rec department told me there were grills at this park. Yeah ... never trust Dallas city employees to provide you with accurate information. Jerry had to hightail it around East Dallas for 45 minutes hunting this little thing down.

The fastest gift-opening session known to man. Very fun.

Arden, our friend Carmen and Michael's little girl, and little sister to Wilder's best friend Owen.

Hunter with our good friend Kristen.

Tennessee trip photos

Will write more later about the trip, but here are some photos I've posted on Facebook. Love to all, k.

One tough son of a gun (sort of)

Hunter had his 18-month checkup today. Everything went smoothly, and his stats are so close to Wilder's at the same age, that I now know I should go ahead and start a savings plan solely for things like bread, milk and whatever else it is that teenage boys consume with wild abandon to make them grow and help their frontal lobes develop into something resembling a non-window-licking individual. Anyway, here they are -- I record these only for us. No one else cares, but I like to remember how giant my babies are, so that when I'm 75 and my back aches and they don't visit me, I can remind them how I carted their mutantly huge heinies around for a few years. You know, load my mama barrels up with guilt-trip and fire away.

So:

WEIGHT: 27 lbs, 11.5 oz.
HEIGHT: 34.5 inches
HEAD CIRCUMFERENCE (I have NO idea why we note this): 49 cm

Anyway, the best part of the doctor story is when Hunter got his shots. The office was unusually busy and backed up today, so we had to wait a fair amount of time, and after the doctor came in, it was probably another 20 minutes before the nurse came in with the flu shot and three other vaccinations. Of course, the waiting was hurting. I hate knowing that my kid's about to go through some serious pain, and I was anxious to get it over with.

So the nurse comes in and, as always, asks me to hold my kids arms and hold him down. I hate it, too, when they basically ask me to be their heavy. I know it's impractical, but I wish doctor's offices would employ someone else to do this. Anyway, I've got him pinned and she picks up the first needle and sticks it into his thigh ...

Hunter looks at me like: "What the hell?" but does not cry. Second needle ...

Another look, this one says: "Dammit now! That HURT!!" Still no tears. Third needle ...

The boy just turns a bright shade of red and his eyes go wide. I think he's more pissed than in pain. Fourth needle ...

"Whhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" The tears finally come, but c'mon! My kid is pretty friggin' tough, no? I mean, jabbed three times and nothing but righteous indignation? That's some seriously thick skin!

So, here's the kicker. On our way out, Hunter wants to walk instead of being held. He's still wimpering a little, but mostly over it. Until we pass the doctor. When he sees her, he affects a limp. I mean, it's so obvious he's faking it, it's comical. The doctor notices it and calls him a drama queen.

So much for the stoic reputation, little dude.

Pictures from yesterday and today

Just a few quick photos from the past couple of days. After hitting about 90 yesterday, a cold front hit today and we're having much cooler temps. Just in time for the first day of fall. Please enjoy the pics. Hope everyone is doing well. Hope to be writing more soon ... just kind of crazy around here lately. xo, k.

My future little WWF champ

Happy Grandparent's Day!

Funniest thing ... Wilder had been talking about his grandparents all day today. For example, sample conversation frome earlier today:

Wilder: "Where's my grandpa?"
Mom: "Which one? The tall one or the surly one?"
Wilder: "Surly one. Heh heh heh."
Mom: "He's in Arizona."
Wilder: "Let's go there."

Anyway, so this went on a few times today, until it finally hit me: IT'S GRANDPARENT'S DAY! So, on that note, here's a short video we put together for all of our wonderful grandparents in Arizona, Tennessee and Florida ... We love you all, even you surly ones. :-)

Some recent photos

A few pics, from Wilder's first day of school and today, Labor Day:

First Day of School + Labor Day 2009

A recent lunchtime chat

School starts tomorrow -- sneef -- and a few photos

Wilder starts pre-school tomorrow. We're totally prepared for this new ruffle in our morning routine: the clothes are laid out, the backpack is packed, the forms are signed, supplies packed and all I have to do is hit "brew" on the coffee pot in the mornings.

So yep, everything is pretty much ready. Except for maybe my heart. It seems like just yesterday my baby boy was born and I was holding his squishy little body in my arms and he was squishing up his eyes, gazing into mine, as if to say, "Oh, so you're the lady who's been carrying me around bitching for all of eternity." I know it's cliche as hell, but it just goes too fast. I know that if you multiply these last lightning-quick almost-four years by just four, he'll be driving a car, getting ready to graduate from high school, with his little brother not far behind him. There is nothing to prepare your heart for how quickly time flies and how fleeting it seems that they're in your nest. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through the drop-off and orientation in the morning without shedding a few tears. I'm hoping I can hold it all together until I get in the car and then get a good cry on the way home.

All that said, I AM looking forward to more alone time with Hunter. He doesn't know it yet, but he's my workout partner. A few weeks ago, I got this crazy notion in my head that I was going to run a half-marathon in December. Now I've bought the new shoes, the new jogging stroller and all but paid my entry fee, which I'll probably do this week. So yes, little H and I will be at the lake three days a week (at least), pounding the pavement. Hunter LOVES the new stroller (it has an iPod hookup so he gets to jam), so he'll enjoy it. I, however, am truly scared at how my body will respond. Keep my knees and hips in your prayers.

Enough rambling. Below are some photos from the last couple weeks. Enjoy and love to all.


The boys had just woken up from their nap and were cuddling on the couch. They really do seem to adore each other and it makes my heart sing to see things like this.


Posing with the new jogging stroller at the park. I call this Wilder's "Blue Steel." (From the movie "Zoolander.")


Flying down the slide with unadulterated joy. This kid hasn't met an adrenaline-enhancing experience yet that he hasn't enjoyed full throttle. I fear I might be holding my breath for the rest of my lfie.


One more cuddling pic, just for good measure.


There is no food that Hunter does not love rubbing over his face and head. It just so happens that oatmeal is the hardest to remove.

Our day at the zoo

On Friday we hit the Fort Worth Zoo with my friend Liz and three of her four kids, twins Madelyn and Hannah, 4, and Jack, who's almost 2, I think. It's an hour drive from our house and I was thinking it had better be a darn good zoo for that commute. Not only was the drive pleasant and quick, but the FW Zoo rocks. If you ever get out this way, I highly recommend it. I'm already hoping to go back when the fall weather sets in.

Below, some pics:

Fort Worth Zoo: August 2009

Hump day, indeed

Two phrases I never thought would come out of my mouth, uttered within two minutes of each other just now:

1. Do what you gotta do. Dry hump the pillow. Then get off of it so I can put it back on the couch.

AND

2. If I catch you licking the TV again, you're going to time out.

Clearly someone's feeling, uhh, tactile here at our house today.

Big Praise

I was just called "the best mad mama in the world" by Wilder. I guess that's OK with me. I'll have to work on getting him to drop the "mad" though. ;-)

Scenes from a Thursday in August

Hunter hasn't been feeling well for a few days. We've all gone through this round of crud, but it's been relatively easy on the rest of us. Hunter, on the other hand, hasn't been feeling so hot. And his brother's been running around the house pointing at his face and yelping "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGIES!" as if a Chernobyl-like incident has just occurred on his brother's upper lip. It can get to a kid.

So today he's feeling better, and I woke up determined to get out of the house. Keeping these two inside for a few days on account of a cold is no fun. No fun at all. We were all walking around, I think, with a few extra facial tics on account of being tired of walls around our heads. And, frankly, a little sick of each other.

So we hit the lake, then had lunch with friends, then naps and, after waking, we headed to the nearby TC Shaved Ice, which is about five minutes from our house, has a drive-thru and serves, as Jerry put it when I told him, "stone-cold sugar." Then we sat in the front yard and ate to our hearts content. Hunter ended up wearing half and eating half and is still stained a bright shade of red. But he sure enjoyed it, as he slurped happily through it for 20 or 30 minutes, stopping only occasionally to murmur "mine" and "yummmmmmeeeeee."

Here are some pics of our day.

After tiring themselves out at the playground, the boys sit on the bottom of a hill near the lake's edge and watch some folks fish while snacking. There were THOUSANDS of dragon- and damselflies at the lake today. I was really kind of amazed that Wilder, who can be a bit neurotic about bugs sometimes, hardly even seemed to notice. Hunter just screamed "cocka!" at them, believing they were tiny birds. I do this bird call every time we see a bird come close -- "caw-CAW!!" -- that Hunter has just malappropriated as "cocka." The nannies at the park seem amused that my kids keeps uttering "shit" in Spanish.

A self-portrait of H and I. It was a hot day!

Early in the shaved ice experience, and clearly not knowing where styrofoam ended and the sugary goodness began. By the time he finished, those shorts were pretty much ENTIRELY pink, including the booty.

Wilder keeps a paranoid eye on some birds, whom he was convinced were going to try to make off with him. Like I said, a little neurotic sometimes.

A happier demeanor after having the physics of the impossibility of bird-on-human kidnapping to him.

The bi-yearly portrait

So I've taken to taking portraits of the boys every six months (or so I'm trying), in February and August. Here's the latest:



Going to put the previous ones in a Picasa web album that I'll link to here once I get it done, along with some outtakes from the photo shoot. It gets harder every time to get them to sit still and not tackle each other for a few seconds so I can get a half decent shot. But I think it's worth it ... I love seeing the changes in their little faces, though it hurts my heart just a wee bit to see them growing so quickly.

Tomorrow, Wilder and I go meet his new pre-school teacher, Miss Cherry. I love that she has such a memorable name, and she's supposed to be the teacher-in-demand at this place, so I'm really hoping we like her.

More photos TK in a post soon, including a series of pics where the boys try to make Jerry's head pop off. Pretty funny stuff.

xo, k.

The fine art of flattery

When we put the boys down at night, we read books and sing lullabies to them. Well, we do that for Wilder. Hunter is often so ready to go to bed that he can't be bothered with our little rituals, pushing the book aside and lunging for the crib. I'm sure that'll change. In the meantime, we do this for Wilder, and he looks forward to it so much that threats of no books or no singing work as great deterrents against any anti-bedtime protests. As in:

"I don't WANNA GO TO SLEEP!"
"Well, OK. But I just won't read you any books."
"OK. I'll go."

He doesn't get the anti-logic of his argument yet, thank goodness.

So, during the day, when he goes down for his nap, I do a little mini-version of bedtime wherein I read him one quick book, turn on his lullabies and leave the room. Today, just now as I put him down for his nap, he asked if I would sing after I read. No, I answered, we only read at naptime. No singing.

"But Mama," he implored, "you're the best singer in the whole world."

Somewhere in Phoenix, my father is reading this and laughing, as he's always been the first person to point out -- insistently, I might add -- that I cannot, in fact, carry a tune.

Still, you gotta give the boy credit for learning the subtleties of fanning a person's ego. It's like those co-workers I used to have that insisted I made better coffee than anyone in the office. I knew they were blowing sunshine up my ass, but I still made the coffee.

For the record, I didn't sing. I'm learning to stand my ground. ;-)

The darndest things

So Jerry and Wilder went to the store a bit ago and brought home some fresh produce, among other things that little boys and their papas get when they go to the store (it's always a surprise, and I love to go through the bags and consider the conversations that revolve around those purchases).

Anyway, Jerry bought an acorn squash. Just now, Wilder walked into the kitchen and told Jerry that he had to put that outside for a squirrel. Jerry told him it was for dinner tonight.

Wilder: "No, Papa. It's not for people. It's for squirrels. A BIG SQUIRREL. You have to throw it outside, Papa."

He would not be deterred, and left the kitchen in a bit of disgust at his father's ignorance of common-knowledge squirrel diets.

Wilderism No. whatever

Wilder, walking around buck naked with a cowboy hat on, looks down at his belly, assumes a bow-legged stance and declares: "Hey, pardner, you look SHARP."

In which one boy amazes me with his bodily functions

I should just go ahead and put in the disclaimer that this will be a potty-training focused blog post. I know it's one of those annoying things parents do, assume everyone cares about their kids' toilet habits, so feel free to go ahead and stop reading now.

Anyway, if you're a regular reader, you know that Wilder did not get potty-trained until a couple months ago. He's going great now. But I guess it goes without saying that, after that experience, I did not have high hopes for Hunter. I assumed maybe it would help that he had an older brother who was showing him what to do, and it might help even more that I'm home full-time now. But beyond that, I had no aspirations. I just wanted him out of diapers before college.

So you can imagine my surprise at the events of the last couple of weeks. I think I mentioned that he had peed outside a couple times. And then, this afternoon, after bath time, I was putting a diaper on Hunter while Wilder continued playing in the tub. Hunter started emphatically shaking his head and yelling "pee pee!" at me. I asked him if he had to go. Emphatic nods. So I stripped the diaper off, we went and got his little potty together, brought it back to the room so I could keep an eye on Wilder and I plopped his booty down on it.

And. He. Went.

Now, I'm not saying he went No. 2. He peed. But he did concentrate really hard and fart about four times, so I know he gets the gist of what goes on there. Again, I realize, too much information. But what can I say? I'm damn proud of my boy, and though I realize that we're still a long way from a diaper-free existence, I think I'll ride out this high for awhile and visualize two boys using the potty by Summer 2010. It's possible, right? We'll see.

Nothing but photos

Just a couple of collages of photos -- first from the last couple days and second from the last few weeks -- that do nothing but make me smile. Enjoy.

In which I relate a story that will embarrass them when they're teenagers

Thought I'd jump on here real quick while the boys are napping. The photos below are from the last few days; just a bunch of random pics of us enjoying the outdoors and one of Wilder in an increasingly rare moment of stillness.

I'm relearning how much fun it is to have a boy learning to speak English in the house. Hunter's vocabulary has really taken off in the last week or so and it's changed his outlook on life, to say the least. He seems to be in a constant state of amusement now that he understands more of what's coming out of everyone's mouth and learning his own little set of words. Of note: puppy, ball, outside, shoes, nana (this means cup), pee pee (more on this in a minute), poopy, moon ... there's more, I'm certain, but some of them escape me now. While he still doesn't say too many words, he understands a ton, and I can tell him to do something now and have him do it. He takes a box out of the pantry. "Put it back, please." And he'll do it. It's pretty fun watching him go through all this ... I'd forgotten just how cool it is.

He and Wilder seem to be deepening their relationship as cohorts and brothers-in-arms. They make each other laugh constantly. The other day Wilder was -- apparently -- doing the funniest thing in the world by dragging his feet through the wood chips everytime he swung backward at the park. Hunter just giggled and giggled, and then Wilder caught on and so kept it up. More giggling, more goading, me wondering what the hell was so funny about it all but laughing hard with them because they were laughing so hard. Good times.

This is a story a story they'll no doubt exact revenge on me for when they're 16 and 18 years old, but so be it. Last night in the tub, Hunter started sticking his tongue out at me and giggling. So I did the same. Then I started counting to three and yelling "TONGUE!!!" and sticking my tongue out. Pretty soon the boys caught on and we were all sticking our tongues out. Then Wilder leaned over and touched his tongue to Hunter's. Mutual freakout occured as Wilder started scrubbing his tongue with the washcloth and Hunter kicked his feet, screamed and shook his head violently. Then they proceeded to do it over and over, each time having their "ooooh gross!" reactions for another five minutes or so before I announced that it was probably good to stop as tongueing your brother in the tub as looked upon by society as fairly inappropriate. Still, while it lasted, we all had a good time cracking up.

On to pee pee. As you all are well aware, I had a hard time training Wilder to use the potty. He's now fully potty-trained and even staying dry through most nights and naps. Very, very proud of him as once he got it, he just got it and is doing fantastically. So it's of no small amount of import that Hunter is learning even the beginning steps of pottying somewhere other than his diaper. A couple of times, upon getting out of the pool, I've let Hunter stand naked next to his brother while Wilder pees in the grass, and lo and behold Hunter will pee too. The way we all cheer and freak out, you'd think world peace had just been attained. This morning, I'd pulled H out of his crib and had him on the changing table, putting a diaper on. He violently shook his head and hollered "PEE PEE!" at me. "Outside?" I asked. Emphatic nodding. So we took him outside and ... whadaya know? The kid peed in the grass, then climbed back up the steps and trounced into the house.

Woot. :-)

All right, I need to get some stuff done before the natives wake back up. Enjoy the photos.

Starting the day off right

Last night, we spent the night at one of our favorite Dallas haunts, the Belmont Hotel. They were having a Fourth of July special on rooms, and the price included admission to a pool party, blues band and a great view of the fireworks around the city.

Anyway, all that only goes toward explaining that we spent the night in a strange place. We had two connecting rooms, and Wilder had one big bed to himself, and Hunter slept in a portable crib next to the bed in Jerry and I's room. We were lucky that, for the most part, he slept through the night. But when he awoke this morning, he was clearly a little upset about the strange surroundings, crying out, and so we pulled him into bed between us.

He laid there for a moment, getting his bearings, and then rolled over and climbed up on top of Jerry's chest, sleeping stomach-down on his Papa, both arms wrapped around Jerry as far as he could reach. My first thought was to smile and simply appreciate how much my boys love their Papa. My second, of course, was a little twinge of jealousy that he had not snuggled up to me. I can't help it, just a little — both boys have gone through their "only Papa will do" stages, though they feel that way about me sometimes, too. Anyway, since I was feeling a little envy, I closed my eyes and remembered all the times during Hunter's first eight months of life — when I was nursing — and we slept snuggled next to each other during most nights. I'd wake up almost every morning to his smell and his breath on my cheek or arm or chest. He'd snuggle up close as he could possibly get.

As I was remembering this, I suddenly felt a small hand patting my arm. I opened my eyes and there was Hunter, looking at me with a wistful grin, as if he was remembering the exact same thing, and wanted to assure me I was still part of his early-morning world of love. He then rolled off Jerry and snuggled up to me.

For the next 30 minutes or so, he continued to go back and forth between us. At some point it became more of a wrestling session than a snugglefest, so we turned on the lights and began stirring around. Peeked in on Wilder and he was sitting up in bed, sleepy-eyed. He looked at me, said: "Mama, I took a LONG nap in this new big bed," and rolled out of it and into our room.

This is how we started July 5th. It was pretty great.

Hope everyone had a great Independence Day. We did. I posted some pictures here.

Wilderisms of the week

So Wilder has reached that age where he says pretty funny stuff all the time. Or at least I think so. This week:

Me (to Wilder): Hey! I am not your personal napkin!
Wilder: Oh. Is your SHIRT my personal napkin then?

And just this morning after going No. 2 in the potty:

Me: Good job. That's a good poop Wilder!
Wilder: Yep. Look, Mama, it looks like an ALIEN.

There was another time he insisted I come look at his poop because it looked like the No. 7. And it did.

Hunter is also getting funny with words. He loves to say "En Guarde!" when he and Wilder are playing with their foam swords. And I swear he walks around the house saying "oh shit oh shit oh shit" sometimes. I don't think I say that a lot, but I guess you never know. There are days when profanity for me is like blinking and breathing, I'm ashamed to admit (not really, but I should be).

I am pathetic and old

So last weekend, Jerry and the boys and I had a party to go to. It was the birthday of my friend and former co-worker Can (pronounced John, he's Turkish), and he was turning 34. One of my other former co-workers, Marlena, was helping to organize the party, and she's 26. And her nickname is "Shots." So, yeah, there was going to be some alcohol at this party.

Unfortunately, it was also a pool party. This was great because it's been hotter than hell here and because it meant the boys would really enjoy themselves. It also meant that my inner-uber-competitive formerly athletic self would come out. I am a normally pretty competitive person. But throw in liquor of any kind and a body of water, and I become some ancient Roman leader or something ... I want to CONQUER.

So, at some point, some bastardized version of water volleyball got started. (There was also a diving-board theatrics contest in which I took part, and I'm told there's video, and I'm frightened). But it was during the volleyball that things were getting pretty heated. It was Shots and me against three or so guys, and we girls were determined to win.

You see where this is going. At some point, I rose up in the air to spike a beach ball into someone's face (a futile gesture if ever there was one), and came down crooked with my weight on my left leg. And ooh ahh ouch holy *many many swear words under my breath* later, I was clutching my knee and grimacing and trying to pretend that I wasn't old and out of shape and in pain.

So yeah. That's the second knee I had operated on, had my ACL replaced back in 2003. (The other was in 2002 ... nothing like having the anaesthetician recognize you and welcome you back to the OR.) I've probably blown it again. I'm hoping it's a partial tear and I can just rehab it back to some semblance of useability. There's no way I can have surgery again -- maybe not ever but especially not right now. I am able to walk on it but I'm having a little trouble going up stairs and putting much weight on it or bending it too severely.

Anyway. Crap. At this rate, I should be in my walker by 2020 or something.

OK, I admit it: I'm overwhelmed

I'm sure a few of you are saying "duh" at that title line.

Where to start. I quit my job in late January because I was feeling overwhelmed by work and home. I wasn't feeling like a good mom, a good wife, a good employee/worker. Seemed like I was sucking wind at everything, and I was tired of it. I thought by becoming a stay-at-home mom, I'd be able to excel at at least one thing, that being the "mom" part. Boy was I wrong.

I suppose it's not all my fault. I do have a tendency to be extremely hard on myself. I've been missing my mom a lot lately because she used to always remind me of that, and she was always there to tell me to lighten up. If she could talk to me right now, I'm sure she'd be telling me I'm doing the best I know how and to stop freaking out about not being the "perfect" mama. I hear you, Ma. I really do.

I guess I just expected to rock this mom thing. But I've been incredibly humbled by it. I'm not patient. I can't let go of my control-freak tendencies. I yell too loud and react too quickly and generally feel like I'm scarring my boys for life some days. I do still have plenty of days when I feel like I'm a pretty damn good mom. Some days I just don't, though, and that hurts a lot. I want to raise them to be really exceptional, kind, well-adjusted young men. I don't see any reason to aim for less.

Anyway, long story short, I've set some more boundaries for myself and set out to do what I do well - research - to help the situation. Boundaries, for example: I'm getting the hell off Facebook until I feel I have the situation more under control. I've a FB addict, I admit. I mean, it could be worse, right? I could be popping valiums for comfort and instead I'm connecting with other human beings I actually like on a social networking site. But it's become an all-too-frequent outlet when I have five minutes. One that does nothing for me or the house or the boys. There are other rules I'm setting, but this is an example of one, and one I hope will give me back more time to blog, because I enjoy this and get a helluva lot more out of it than trying to be clever on Facebook in three sentences or less.

I've also ordered three books, which arrived today. One on parenting, which I've already started and can tell is going to be HUGELY helpful. The other two are on raising boys, specifically, and how to do this in such a way that you don't screw them up.

My whole life I've said I'm more like a guy than a girl. And that's still partially true. I have a lot of what people think of as typically male characteristics. For instance, I'm pretty good at shooting pool and taking the occasional shot of whiskey without throwing a facially contorted hissy fit and I can toss a football farther than a lot of guys I know and I enjoy throwing stuff away whenever I get the chance (my father tells me this makes me a pretty good wife). Ha. But it turns out that when it comes right down to it, I'm not a guy in the way that matters most right now: I want to understand how my boys' brains work and parent accordingly. Again, fine, kind and exceptional young and adult men ... that's the goal. So these other two books, I'm really hoping they'll help in that regard.

I'm trying to crack jokes and the truth is I'm sitting here with tears running down my face in rivers. I don't like to expose myself emotionally, but I have really felt like I'm failing my kids lately. And I can't have that. But I also have to learn to forgive myself for it. Parenting is not a skill you're born with, and I don't have a whole lot of role models near me. I'm not good at reaching out, and the one person with whom I would normally share all this and ask advice from ... well, she's just gone. And I didn't think I could miss her more, but I do. And that compounds it all.

Dammit.

Well, anyway, drying up my tears now and moving forward. Armed with knowledge and new resolve. And humility. If any of you mamas and papas have advice or encouragement or wanna give me a good kick in the ass, please do. I'm sure I could use any and all of it.

And Wilder and Hunter, I haven't done too bad by you two. But I know I can do better. And I will, baby boys. Nothing could inspire me more than your two beautiful faces and incredible spirits.

Chalk art

The boys and I got this Monday morning off on the right foot by heading outside first thing to blow bubbles, draw with sidewalk chalk and take a little walk up the block.

Up until today, whenever I've given Wilder chalk to play with, he just kind of scribbles. I've asked him to draw me faces, but he mostly ends up with something sort of Pollock meets Picasso: facial features all out of wack and the chalk just kind of smeared onto the sidewalk.

Until today. Below is what he drew me today. A face with eyes and mouth in the right place and arms and legs attached. There's hair there, too, and even a mustache. Some of the other scribbling can be attributed to Hunter, who's still in scribble mode. But, seeing as how this is Wilder's first real recognizable drawing, I wanted to get a picture and put it up here on the blog.

The other two pictures are from yesterday's visit -- the first of the year -- to the spraygrounds. Although Hunter went last year a couple times, this was his first "real" sprayground time, and he enjoyed it full throttle. Wilder did, too.

Happy Monday all.