Stomach Flu Liveblog

Well it looks like I'm strapped in for the vomit hell ride. As you can see, I just love that term.

So half an hour ago I started to feel a little nauseous. So far, rounds No. 1 and 2 have shared different anatomical parts of my body, if you know what I mean.

Now, you must be wondering to yourself, why live blog the stomach flu, Kris? Is there a screw loose?

Well yes. But I also was just pacing the floor, waiting to throw up again, and I thought to myself: Isn't there something I could be doing that would A) make better use of this time, and B) take my mind off the fact that I'm waiting to throw up again? And seriously, one has to wonder if anyone in the history of mankind has ever live-blogged the stomach flu before. Most people, and I'll admit I'm guessing here, usually roll around in bed moaning and dreading between bouts. If I keep busy, furiously typing, will it make this more bearable?

Well, we'll see. I wish this was actually a chat. We could all place money bets on what round No. 3 will be ... I also wish Blogger had a track function on how often posts are read, because I have to believe that this would be the lowest viewed post of all time.

Honestly, if you're still reading at this point, what is wrong with you??

God, this is more fun than I thought it would be. So let's do a Wilder update at this point. He's sleeping soundly right now. Though he's ceased all random acts of making sick, he's still clearly recovering. When I picked him up from daycare today, he had dark circles under his eyes that could rival those of someone many times his age and stress level. This notwithstanding, he was also in his daycare crib, babbling incessantly to Camille, who cribs next to him, who was sound asleep. Making moony faces at her closed eyes, clearly desiring a playmate in his caged, fresh-from-a-great-nap, I'm-so-GD-happy-I-could-crawl outlook on life.

Hmmmm, why haven't I gotten sick yet? Keep typing keep typing keep typing ...

So in typical fashion, I thought: Well kid, you spent the last couple days feeling horrible ... that deserves PRESENTS!!! So, with my friend and Wilder's buddy Judy in tow, we went shopping. He got a new Ugly Doll (Ice Bat), a velociraptor puppet and two new books.

This is going to be really disappointing if I don't get sick again, isn't it? Oh ... wait ... be right back ...

Well, whew. That would have been very embarrassing if I'd had this big build-up for the stomach flu and then didn't get sick again. A big disappointment to my readers, I'm sure, though I'd be very surprised if at this point I had any left. Wait, I should be timing this. OK, it's 10:13 p.m. Really, I should be in bed!!! I had no idea what time it was. Why can't I get sick at a decent hour so that my sleep isn't interfered with?

OK, so while I was in the bathroom just now, I was thinking: There are two kinds of predators. Those who find prey, take it down with a swift jerk of the neck and devour it. And there are those that find prey, stalk it, bite it a few times to open up some flesh wounds, watch it crawl away slowly to where it just thinks it might make it, only to have the predator pounce on it again ... thus playing with it until, slowly but surely and torturously, it bleeds out. And THEN gets devoured.

Yeah. I'm pretty sure this stomach flu is of the latter nature. Bah. I'd prefer the "let 'er rip" variety, because then I could get it over with quickly and hit the sack. But who can go to sleep knowing they're going to be back in the loo in 15 minutes busting a gut?

Seriously, who do I have to pay around here to just open up a pathway already? And why do I think I'm going to regret those words??

So do you want to know what Jerry cooked for dinner tonight? Yeah, I didn't think so. It was delicious, though. I'll say that before I no longer have the ability to. Oh ... be right back ...

10:25 p.m. -- OK, good thing I got that bit about Jer's dinner out before that last go round. And that snide little comment about opening up a pathway ... it worked!

So here are my hopes and aspirations for this illness:

1. That I'll handle it with half as much aplomb as my 8-month-old son (though I'm serioulsy praying that nothing will come out my nose);

2. That, like Wilder, it'll peak quickly and be over; and

3. I'll lose at least 5 lbs. for July 4 weekend, since we'll probably go to the pool at some point.

OK, this is getting harder. Now that I've pretty much emptied myself of all vomitable material, my stomach is cramping up, looking for any vestiges of something it can push north through the esophageal region. Or, oh wait ... yes, I'm gonna go with maybe south as well. Through the ... well, you know what region that would be, right?

Let's have an aside for a moment. I'm sure we're both getting fed up (Get it? Ged up? oh, I crack myself up!) with the whole stomach flu bit. So Jerry's in the room with me, reading AND playing computer games. Hold on, let's see what's he's reading ...

John Stewart's "Pictures of Naked Famous People." Let's ask him why he's reading and playing computer games at the SAME time.

"Cuz a lot of this involves flying around and not doing anything but waiting to fly around."

OK, so that wasn't the scintillating answer I was looking for. Though I don't know what possibly could have been a scintillating answer to that question.

Did I mention I just had a sneezing fit? As if puking isn't enough, I'm now apparently daring my stomach to seize up on me again by sneezing violently many times in a row. Oh, and Jerry called me Typhoid Kristi. Oh, the empathy. It's thick in here. Books, computer games, and snide comments. Of course, if he was the one sick, I of course would be waiting outside the bathroom door with cool compresses for his forehead, a bottle of Gatorade and back rubs. Of course, I think by live-blogging this in the same room as him I've given the false impression that I'm doing fine with this. And, in fact, I think I've found a rather novel approach to the stomach flu. Write, try (but fail) to be clever and witty, and just keep typing furiously through all streams of (dull, dim-witted) consciousness and the stomach flu is really quite manageable.

Oh, and that bit about cold compresses and the like, that was crap. I'd be reading in bed calling out, "You cool hon? Need anything?" And I'd probably be demanding details, because, uh, clearly, I'm into stuff like this.

It's 10:38. Let's assess. I think I might be through the worst of this. If that's the case, it's followed Wilder's path pretty well. Think I'll wrap this up, watch half an hour of World Poker Tour and see if anything else comes up and, barring that, sip some fluids and hit the sack.

This has been fun folks. Let's do it aga ... oh wait. Nevermind.